|
Without
Revenge:
Toward
Full Forgiveness
| Course Number |
LWF110 |
| Objectives |
At the end of this course, you will
understand 1) the nature of revenge, 2) dilemmas caused by revenge, and
3) ways to deal healthily with revenge.
|
| Credit Hours and Fee |
3.0 CE Credit Hours with a fee of $24.00 |
| Instructor |
Rudolf Klimes, PhD (Indiana University), MPH
(Johns Hopkins University);
Adjunct Professor at Folsom Lake College, Folsom CA. |
LearnWell Forgiveness Institute:
www.forgiver.net
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"In a conflict, what is usually the right thing to do?" Consider
the following four opinions.
"I feel like a sheep among wolves."............................................."This
is hard and this anger is killing me."
"I will get even with him. It's pay-back time."..............................
"Can I conquer this evil by doing good?"
To deal with forgiveness and revenge, you need to find the answers to these
questions:
1. Why do you pay back in kind when others hurt you?
2. How can you live in peace?
3. How can you leave the payback to others?
4. How can you conquer the evil around you?
This forgiveness therapy course is generally based on social
science and mental health practices. The references to ancient sources are mainly for illustrative purposes and thus
optional and supplementary.
1.
Why do you pay back in kind when others hurt you?
1.1
Definitions
Forgiveness
frees an individual from some of the harm that the offender caused and repays
evil with good. For other definitions, go to http://www.forgiver.net.
Revenge on the other and is the inflicting of punishment in return for an injury
or insult and returns evil with evil. Revenge usually includes a deep disrespect
for the offender. Terms related to revenge are retaliation, reprisal, getting
even with, striking back, repaying and pay back.
Revenge
is when a husband tries to kill his wife's lover.
Revenge continues the harm that an offender caused.
It is an attempt to get even with the offender and to harm, punish or
destroy him or her. If everybody revenged, everybody would soon be blind
and toothless.
Tools
for Anger Work-Out: Eliminating Revenge
In
harming individuals and groups, revenge has its social and psychological
costs. In reducing production and work, it may also have its economic
costs. In making society more dysfunctional, it contributes to many of the ills
around us.
1.2 The Nature of Revenge
Revenge usually arises out of the offended person's anger. Some conflicts are
necessary and unavoidable. But just because someone initiates a conflict does not
mean that we have to respond in kind. In the long run, the avenger is as much or more hurt than the person
causing the first harm. Revenge is an expression of ill-will toward the
offender. Revenge does not work.
1.3
Living with Revenge
Forgiveness seems to be unjust. Revenge seems to bring justice. But
harboring bad feelings against another person is like a cancer that kills. It
does not bring justice or peace.
Someone wrote the four main tenets of the ideal revenge:
- 1. Do unto others as they do unto you. (Let the punishment fit the
crime.)
- 2. Don't involve innocents. (Don't hurt someone unless they hurt you.)
- 3. Be prepared to be caught. (Always imagine a worst case scenario.)
- 4. Think before you drink. (Think before you do, period.)
This of course is not the way to go. But it highlights the evil nature of
revenge. From both a behavioral and a spiritual perspective, it is time to
renounce revenge for good. Pay-back usually means paying back in kind. But it
also can mean paying back good for evil.
1.4 Contrasting Forgiveness and
Revenge
In life, both the forgiver and avenger are harmed in similar ways. It is
their reaction to that harmful event that makes the difference. Forgiving is
essentially an act of giving and sharing. Avenging is an act of taking, stealing, or
hurting. Forgiveness is a good choice that comes from a rich
spiritual person and is helpful. Revenge usually is an outgrowth of anger and
harms all parties concerned.
| Forgiver |
Avenger |
| A consequence of a good choice |
Evil, a consequence of anger |
| Spiritually rich |
Spiritually poor |
| Helpful to forgiver and harmer |
Harmful to both parties |
| Man's part |
Law's part (God's part) |
1.5
Classical Case of Revenge
James
and John were ready to revenge a perceived insult and call fire down from heaven
on a Samaritan village that had refused to welcome Jesus. Jesus scolded them for
that and went to another village (Luke 9:52-56).
2.
How can you live in peace?
Many people do not
live in peace. The self-important have a hard time forgiving and gaining peace. It is easy to see ourselves better than we are.
We fail to gain peace because we fail to
forgive. And when we fail to forgive, we usually take revenge against the people
who cause us pain. In an active revenge, the avenger goes out and tries to inflict
some hurt at the offender. In passive revenge, the avenger withholds good-will
or help to the offender.
2.1 Failure to Give, Forgive and
live in Peace
We fail to give
when we fail to trust 1) that the receiver really wants our very best and 2)
that we are rich enough to give. Is revenge then a kind of withholding, taking
or stealing? Both giving and forgiving are a giving of time and kindness.
2.2
Living with Forgiveness and Peace
Most
of us try to live peaceful lives all the time. But often our pride and
self-centeredness gets in the way. Not only do we fail to give and forgive, but
we also take revenge when it is not our place to take revenge.
3. Can you leave the payback to others?
The enforcement of civil law and order is the duty of the police, the
sheriff and the prosecution. Once I made a wrong turn and the policeman just
gave me a warning. Another time it cost me $120. Should the policeman have
forgiven me every time? Enforcing the law is not revenge, but it is a payback in that it inflicts punishment in return for a violation.
3.1
Rushing to Revenge and Judgment
Revenge
ignores the fact that there already exists one or more systems that deal with
those who willfully harm others. The keeping of civil order has been entrusted
to the government. The function of the law is to find and punish those
who break the law.
3.2
Revenge will Come
Besides
the civil law there is a moral or spiritual law. God is not only love but also
the protector of the good and the punisher of those who willful harm their
fellowmen. God usually does this not on a daily basis, but by
rewarding at the end of life those who accept Him as Model and Father, and excluding from
that reward those who
were evil and vengeful. You can leave the payback and final justice to him (2
Corinthians 5:10).
Revenge
and Hate
4. How can you overcome the evil around you?
There are many positive ways of overcoming evil.
Instead of avenging, Dr.
Anna Klimes suggested to greet someone who harmed you with these sincere words: "Good
to see you, Old Boy (or Girl)." It does not matter if you were angry at
that person or if that person was angry with you. Substituting kind words for
vengeful ones works.
4.1
Classical Cases of Forgiveness
The ancient stories
of Saul and David illustrate forgiveness. Even as King Saul was hunting David to
kill him, David could not harm Saul. He could not take revenge on the king. And
then about 2000 years ago, Jesus, just before being crucified, prayed for for
forgiveness for those who were crucifying him (Luke 23:34). Later, Paul and Barnabas took
Jesus' advice ( Luke 9:5) and shook the Antioch dust off their shoes and went to
Iconium without taking revenge on the unkind people of Antioch (Acts 13: 49-52).
4.2 On Doing Good
The
prisons are full of people who tried to get even with people who hurt
them. They and we need to renounce all revenge and instead respect all people.
We overcome the evil around us by forgiving and fostering the good. We need to
forgive so much, because we have been so much forgiven. http://www.forgiver.net
References:
On Hamlet: Revenge causes one to act blindly through anger, rather than
through reason. It is based on the principle of an eye for an eye, but this
principle is not always an intelligent theory to live by. Young Fortinbras,
Laertes, and Hamlet were all looking to avenge the deaths of their fathers. They
all acted on emotion, and this led to the downfall of two, and the rise to power
of one. Since the heads of the three major families were each murdered, the
eldest sons of these families swore vengeance, and two of the three sons died
while exacting their acts of vengeance. Revenge is a major theme in the Tragedy
of Hamlet. www.4essay.com
Tools
for Anger Work-Out: Eliminating Revenge, Payback,
Get-Revenge, Revenge
and Hate,
Bible:
Romans
12: 17-21, Matthew 5:38-45, 10:14-16, Luke 9:5, 52-56, Acts 13:49-52, 1 Peter
3:9, 1 Thes 5:15. Roman 12:17- 21 - How to Deal with Mean People,
vs.
17-21 - Forgiveness, vs.
17-21 - Battling The Unbelief of Bitterness, vs
17-21 - Getting Even, vs.
17-21 - Forgiveness: Our Obligation, vs.
17-21 - Dealing with the Past, vs 29-21 - What To Do When You Have Been Cheated, vs.
20-21 - Heaping Coals Of Fire On Their Heads
1. Why do you pay back in kind when others hurt you? My
pride and anger makes me do it. Romans 12:17
2. How can you live in peace? With forgiveness. Rom
12:14-16, 18
3. How can you leave the payback to others? In
trusting the Judge. Romans 12:19
4. How can you conquer the evil around you? With good.
Romans 12:20, 21
ERIC_NO: ED408536, Receiving Forgiveness as an Exercise in Moral Education, by Gassin, Elizabeth A. 1997
ABSTRACT: Research on interpersonal forgiveness has blossomed in counseling and moral
education. The impact of receiving interpersonal forgiveness from another--the
foreswearing of revenge and resentment toward a person who has
hurt us--is examined here. Most theory and research in developmental,
counseling, and educational psychology suggest that the experience of receiving
forgiveness should have positive benefits, while research in the related area of
social psychology tempers such optimism. To test the effects of forgiveness, 205
college students from a small, church-affiliated four-year liberal arts college
completed instruments that measured forgiveness, self-esteem, social
desirability, and religious style. Results indicate that correlations between
forgiveness outcomes and demographic variables were weak. The most interesting
correlation between forgiveness outcomes and relationship variables involved the
perceived quality of forgiveness offered, the nature of the relationship before
the offense, and the degree of pain caused, suggesting that offering forgiveness
in a manner that is loving and un-coercive is important if one wants to induce
positive change in the offender and the relationship. Interpersonal mercy
appears to be multi-dimensional; gender differences on the impact of receiving
forgiveness are discussed. Source: www.askeric.org
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