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Forgive & Reconcile:
Reunite the Estranged.
| Course Number |
LWF310 |
| Objectives |
At the end of this course, you will
1. differentiate forgiveness and reconciliation, 2. understand the 5
Steps in Forgiveness, 3. explain the four steps in asking for
reconciliation, 4. process 2 case studies on forgiveness and
reconciliation, and 5. explore research in reconciliation. |
| Credit Hours and Fee |
3.0 CE Credit Hours with a fee of $24.00 |
| Instructor |
Rudolf Klimes, PhD (Indiana University), MPH
(Johns Hopkins University);
Adjunct Professor at Folsom Lake
College, Folsom CA. |
LearnWell Forgiveness Institute:
www.forgiver.net
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1.
Forgiveness and Reconciliation
Are
you real happy to see someone you know? If not, you may not have granted
forgiveness. Forgiveness
is the dealing with another person's offense in a helpful manner. One definition
of therapeutic forgiveness is then the handling of another person's
inappropriate and harmful deeds in such a way so that it helps the forgiver (the
person who forgives, the injured party) find healing and wellness. It does
that by releasing the forgiver of the offense.
Forgiveness can be a gift that the other
either accepts or rejects or does nor even know about. Forgiveness is in the heart of the
forgiver. The offender may be a person
that is know or unknown; in forgiveness that does not matter.
Explore
The
International Forgiveness Institute definition.
What
is your definition?
For
reconciliation to take place, forgiveness is first
needed. Reconciliation
has been defined as the re-establishing of
friendship between two parties. For
reconciliation, there first has to be a close relationship, friendship or family
tie that has been broken. Here two people are needed and then the relationship
between them needs to be restored and the individuals reunited. But
forgiveness in itself is not necessarily reconciliation.
Forgiveness and reconciliation
seem to be often interwoven. But they are two different things. In forgiveness,
the offender does not have to be known; in reconciliation, the offender has to
have a close relationship with the offended and has to be know. Michelle Nelson in
Beverly Flanigan's Exploring Forgiveness suggests three degrees of
forgiveness, namely 1. Detached Forgiveness (a reduction of negative feelings),
2. Limited Forgiveness (with a partial restoration of relationship), and 3. Full
Forgiveness (with full reconciliation). Can
there be true and deep forgiveness without reconciliation?
2.Spiritual Forgiveness
Spiritual
forgiveness utilizes an approach
similar to that used in the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Victims may follow
the 5 Steps of Forgiveness because they cannot let go on their own. They may
utilize phrases such as:
"I am powerless over my anger and cannot forgive, thus I want to turn it
over to God."
"Justice and revenge belong to God."
"God forgive him or her, I can't."
"God free me from my anger and help me forgive."
The 5 Steps in Forgiveness according to
Ephesians
4:31-32:
Acknowledge anger and bar revenge:
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A. Let all bitterness, wrath and
anger
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B. and clamor and slander (and thought of revenge) be put away from you,
along with all malice.
Consider the
offender's perspective, accept the hurt, extend compassion:
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C. Be kind to one another, (while considering the other's
perspective),
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D. gentle and tender-hearted (and accepting the hurt),
E. forgiving each other just as God in Christ has forgiven you (with compassion).
Donald Barnhouse writes: "To see God in all things, both good and
evil, enables us to forgive those who injure us. It does not incline us to
condone their fault, for they act as freely as if God had no part at all. But
we can forgive and pray for them, as slaves to their own passions, enemies to
their own welfare and real, though unwitting, benefactors to our souls." Karl
Menninger, the famed psychiatrist, once said that if he could convince the
patients in psychiatric hospitals that their sins were forgiven, 75 percent of
them could walk out the next day!
One of the best studies on spiritual forgiveness and
reconciliation concerns the
Prodigal Son, found in Luke 15:11-32. In
accepting God's love humbly, the father in the story also took on God's
forgiveness and then just naturally reflected that attitude of forgiveness to
his prodigal son.
3.
Four Steps in Asking for Reconciliation
The
offender, that is the person who has caused the hurt, has no direct part in the
initial forgiveness that the forgiver experiences. His part comes in the next
level which is reconciliation. Reconciliation is not always possible. The
offender's four steps in asking for the gift of forgiveness (according to R.
Klimes, PhD)
are:
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A.
"I hurt you." Acknowledge your wrong in
contributing to the identified specific offense(s).
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B. "I'm sorry."
Declare your
apology for the hurt you caused.
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C.
"Never
again; I
will not do it again." Bar repetition of the offense.
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D.
"I love you, I care for you." Express your good will to the one your hurt.
Reestablish relationship.
The
results of a broken relationship that has not been healed are often bitterness,
blaming, continuation of harm and vengeance, increasing insensitivity, estrangement,
hating and acts of violence.
4.
Reconciliation Case Studies
4.1
The case study is based on the story of Joseph, 11th son of Jacob, as recorded
in the Bible in Genesis 37-50. Joseph was sold at about 17, placed in power
at 30, reunited with his family at about 60 (50-70), and died at 110. Joseph is
also a forerunner of Jesus, who was sold, stripped of his clothing, crucified,
who prayed that his tormentors be forgiven, and then offered eternal life to one
who was being crucified with him.
A.
"I HURT YOU": When Joseph's brothers saw that their father was dead, they said:
"Perhaps Joseph will hate us, and may actually repay
us for the evil which we did to him."
Gen 50:15 (Evil: The brothers conspired against him intending to kill him, cast him into a
pit, stripped him, then sold him for 20 silver pieces. Gen 37:18-28) Repaying
good for evil, later Joseph
gave each of his brothers changes of garments. Gen 45:22. If Joseph would have
repaid evil for evil and killed his brothers, there would not have been these 12
tribes of Israel.
The
Hurt is "Pay" and the hurt person is tempted to "Repay" the
offender in kind. The four options for the hurt pearson are: Evil for evil. Evil
for good. Good
for evil. Good for good. The last two
options are healing. "Repay no evil with evil." Rom 12:17.
B.
"I'M SORRY": So they sent messengers to Joseph saying: "Before your father
died, he commanded saying, Thus you shall say to Joseph: (That was probably
untrue. It it missing in Gen 49) 'I beg you, forgive the trespass of your
brothers and their sin; they did evil to you...'; And Joseph wept when they
spoke to him." Gen 50:16,17. After about 40 years, this weeping brought
peace, closure, and reconciliation, for
Joseph. (This was the first time the brothers apologized. When they came
the second time for food, he had apparently already forgiven them. He said
"Do not therefore be grieved or angry with yourself because you sold me
here...he kissed all his brothers, and cried over them." Genesis 45:5,14)
There
are at least Five Forgiveness Patterns: Attitude of forgiveness. Asking for
forgiveness. Granting forgiveness when asked. Forgiveness without
reconciliation. Forgiveness with reconciliation. All five patterns are healing.
"If you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also
forgive you." Mat 5:14.
C.
"NEVER AGAIN" (THE BARING OF REPETITION): Then his brothers also fell down before him and they
said: "Behold, we are your
servants." Gen 50:18.
Jesus
spoke of two types of repetition of hurt: counted and non-counted (70 times 7, Mat 18:21-35).
"Love keeps no record of when it has been wronged." I Cor 13:5.
D.
"I LOVE YOU": "Do not be afraid, for am I in the place of God? But as for
you, you meant evil against me, but God
meant it for good... (The
prison was for Joseph a good cooling-off place to learn forgiveness.) I
will provide for you... And he
comforted them and spoke kindly to them." Genesis 50:19-21 ("God sent
me before you to preserve posterity for you on the earth, and to save your lives
by a great deliverance. So it was not you who sent me here, but God."
Gen 45:7, 8) God has a good plan for each person. Submit to it.
Relationships
can be categorized as estranged, distant, or loving: "For if when we were enemies we
were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been
reconciled, we shall be saved by His life." Rom 5:11. Reconciliation precedes
worship. Mat 5:23-24. "...has broken down the middle wall of separation
...that He might reconcile them..." Eph 2:14-18. "God comforts us in
all our troubles so that we can comfort others." 2 Cor 1:4.
4.2 A Case for Discussion: A husband, working away from home,
is unfaithful to his wife and contacts AIDS. Upon his return, he confesses this
to his wife and she leaves him. The husband wants to be reconciled to his wife
and seeks the help of a counselor. Would you as counselor help the husband in
this case?
4.3 Select you own case study in which you participated and
analyze the case.
5.
Studies in Reconciliation
5.1 Victim-Offender Reconciliation Program (VORP):
The VORP mission is to bring restorative justice reform to our criminal
justice system, to empower victims, offenders and communities to heal the
effects of crime, to curb recidivism, and to offer our society a more effective
and humanistic alternative to the growing outcry for more prisons and more
punishment. Mediating a
Drunk Driving Death: A Case Development Study, Benefits
of Victim-Offender Mediation.
5.2 Psychospiritual Research
on Addiction Treatment and Recovery This
research programme is funded by an award from the John Templeton Foundation (JTF).
Briefly, we are conducting a randomised clinical trial examining the interactive
effects of client attributes and two different interventions aimed at helping
recovering alcoholics and other recovering addicts let go of harmful resentments
(interpersonal anger), the desire for revenge, and guilt resulting from
violating moral standards of conduct toward others. While - in this instance -
we are working with clients in '12-step' recovery, our techniques will also work
with other types of clients who appreciate the self defeating nature of holding
grudges and the value of forgiveness as a path to letting go.
5.3 Promise Keepers has identified eight biblical
principles that, when applied, help people grow and succeed at reconciliation
efforts. Eight
Biblical Principles of Reconciliation
5.4 The word "reconciliation" refers to the process of changing something
thoroughly and adjusting it to something else that is a standard. For example,
when you adjust your watch to a time signal, you are reconciling the watch to a
time standard. Or when you reconcile your checkbook, the standard to which you
match it is the bank's record of your account. On rare occasions the bank must
reconcile its accounts to yours.
In the Bible, reconciliation is the word used to refer to the process by which
God changes human beings and adjusts them to the standard of His perfect
character. Rom. 11:15 refers to the "reconciling of the world". The
Greek word used here is the noun (katallagei). This word is also used in Rom.
5:11, "...but we also joy in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom we
have now received the reconciliation." Note that man is not active in
reconciliation and provides nothing toward reconciliation. Read also 2 Cor.
5:17-21. Reconciliation
5.5 HEAL was formed in 1995 by RP
authors John Jenkins and Mark Weaver. Find out more About
HEAL, learn about HEAL's approach to HEALing
the Church and HEALing
the Nation, visit the Four
Character Qualities of a reconciler, or find out about HEAL's musical
production, The
Covenant and the Dance of Nations
5.6 Forgiveness Studies:
Mark 11:22-26, Luke 17:1-6, 7:36-50, 2 Cor 2:6-11, Philemon 8-11, 2 Sam 13:1-14,
John 8:8-11.
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